Why Your College Student Needs to Do Something for Someone Right Now

Although colleges and universities have different schedules, for many college students early November is past the mid-point in the semester, but there are still a few weeks of study remaining.  Thanksgiving break is looming, but it isn’t quite here yet.  Finals are on the horizon.  Winter break still seems a long way off, but for many students the prospect of being at home for several weeks comes with its own stress.

This is a time of semester, for some students, of turning inward.  There is nothing wrong with this.  For some students, this is a time of self-examination — ”Am I studying enough?”  ”Will I have the final grades I had hoped for?”  ”What will it be like when I get back together with my high school friends?”  ”What will it be like living with my family again over break?” ”Am I in the correct major for me?”  ”Will I be able to get the courses that I want next semester?” Self-examination is almost always a good thing, and parents may want to encourage their college student to think about some of these issues.  But these questions bring stress for many students.

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Should My College Student Withdraw From College?

Your college student headed off to college with high hopes and aspirations.  They may have given it their best effort and something interfered, or they may not have understood what was going to be required.  Or it is possible that something totally unexpected has interrupted your student’s momentum.  Whatever the reason, it is possible that your student is now struggling and wondering what to do next.

Your student may be considering withdrawing from college — not at the end of a semester, but now, part way into a term.  You may be wondering whether they have options, and whether the choice to withdraw is the best decision.  It is not an easy question to answer.  You and your student should have some frank talk about their reasons and about the implications of their decisions.  We’d like to give you some food for thought — and for discussion.  You and your student will need to consider your student’s reasons for wanting to withdraw (or your reasons for wanting them to withdraw), some pros and some cons, and finally, some important things you’ll need to investigate and consider.

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How Doing One Thing Might Help Your College Student

College students are feeling more stress than ever before.  Colleges are reporting higher use of counseling centers, students say they experience stress, and parents often hear it as they talk to their students.  Stress is part of the college experience for many students.  If your college student looks to you for help with general stress, feeling overwhelmed, or dealing with a specific problem, you might suggest they do just one thing.

No, there isn’t a magic bullet.  But when your student doesn’t know what to do next, and you are not sure what to tell them, suggest that they stop and take a breath and then do one thing over the next twenty-four hours to make a difference.  Just one.  Not a whole plan, not a complete turn-around, not a comprehensive solution.  Just one thing.

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A Picture of College Parenting

For many of us, the expression that ”a picture is worth a thousand words” is very true.  An image often sticks with us and helps us to understand an idea more clearly.  Poets understand this as they use metaphors to give impact and emotion to their work.

We’d like to suggest four metaphors, or images, that we think represent some of the important principles of college parenting.  See if they have meaning or strike a chord for you as you think about your relationship with your college student and your role as a parent in the college experience.

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Helping Your College Student Feel in Control of Their College Experience

We’ve written several posts about college parents as ”helicopter parents” and about college parents’ important role of coaching from the sidelines.  We still have an important job, but not the same role we had when our student was in high school.  We’ve also used the analogy of teaching our teenager to drive a car.  We need to get out of the driver’s seat and allow them to get behind the wheel.  It’s a disconcerting, and sometimes terrifying, proposition for many parents.

We think this is good advice for parents.  We need to assume a new role.  However, this only works if your student is ready to take control.  One of our tasks as parent is to help our student get ready for college. (Think of it as Driver’s Ed!) This means more than helping to pack the boxes and making trips to the home store for dorm furnishings.  College readiness requires academic readiness, but also ”life” readiness.  Your student needs to be ready to take control when the time comes.  You will feel better, and so will they.

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What to Say to Your College Student Who Is in Trouble, Dismissed, or on Probation

We’ve written some earlier articles about what to do when your college student is on Academic Probation or is even Academically Dismissed from college.  These are disturbing or sometimes even devastating situations, and knowing what to do next is important.  But equally urgent, and sometimes even more important, may be considering what you say to your student if they find they are in one of these difficult situations.

Of course, knowing exactly what to say to your student has to do with who your student is, what your relationship with your student is, and why they are in this situation. Chances are, however, that you will struggle for the right thing to say, the right words.  You may be angry, disappointed, shocked, sad, or just plain overwhelmed.  Being honest with your student may be the simplest and best start.

Remember that your student may also be struggling with what to say to you.  They may have known this was coming, or it may have taken them by surprise.  They may have shared their fears or concerns with you earlier, or they may have been afraid to tell you they saw this coming.  Remembering that this is happening to all of you, as a family, may help everyone.  Taking time to let the news sink in before sitting down to discuss next steps may be helpful as well.

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How Well Do You Know Your College Student? Maybe Not As Well As You Think

As parents, we like to think that no one knows our children as well as we do.  But as our children become adolescents and then emerging adults and adults, we may not know them as well as we think we do.  This may have less to do with our relationship with our child (this generation of emerging adults has closer relationships with parents than earlier generations), and more to do with the special characteristics of Millennials and Emerging Adults.

Here are a few posts that might help you think in some new ways about your Emerging Adult.  Use these as conversation starters to get to know your student better than ever.

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Five Steps to Help Your College Student Turn Around a Poor Semester

Perhaps your student has received their midterm grades and is worried.  Or perhaps your student has talked with their professors and has been warned that things aren’t going well.  Or perhaps your student simply knows that they haven’t done what they needed to do so far this semester and things look bleak.

However your student determines that the first half of the semester has gone poorly, they may be wondering whether it is too late to turn things around.  Your student may share their situation with you or may worry about how you will react.  Encourage your student to share their situation honestly with you.  Help them understand that you want to do whatever you can to help them have a successful experience.

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Help Your Student Get Started Talking to Professors

One piece of advice that is given to students over and over again is ”Get to know your professors” or ”Talk to your professors.”  It is wonderful and important advice.  College provides a wonderful opportunity for students to get to know and work with experts and leaders in their chosen field.  Some students develop lifelong mentoring relationships and friendships with their faculty members.

However, for many students, making that first move to get to know a professor can be intimidating.  If the student needs to talk to the professor because he is having difficulty in a class, has missed a class (or several classes), or needs to discuss a grade, that initial meeting may be downright terrifying.  Because today’s students are part of the ”electronic generation,” meeting face-to-face with a professor may also be an unfamiliar situation.  Your student might prefer to have a discussion via Facebook, e-mail, text, or Twitter.  Help your student understand that there are some circumstances in which a face-to-face conversation may be preferable.

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Getting to Know Your Emerging Adult College Student

Kids today.  Sometimes we love them.  Sometimes we hate them.  Most of the time we feel we don’t understand them.  If you are the parent of a college student, you may wonder at times whether this person is still an adolescent or whether he is an adult.  Your opinion may change from day to day or even hour to hour.  You are not alone.  Your student is likely entering, or solidly settled into, a phase of life now labeled Emerging Adulthood.  The more you understand about this newly identified stage of life, the more you may feel that you begin to understand your college-age and post-college student.

Emerging Adulthood, as a distinct developmental phase, is most widely known through the work of psychologist Jeffrey Jensen Arnett.  Arnett’s book, Emerging Adulthood: The Winding Road from the Late Teens through the Twenties, was first published in 2004 and has received much attention.  We recommend it to college parents.  According to Dr. Arnett, ”kids” today aren’t the ”kids” that we were.  Parents need to work to understand how different today’s students are.

According to Dr. Arnett, Emerging Adulthood begins at about the age of 18 and often continues until the age of 25 or 27.  This is much later than many of us might think.  So as your student begins college, she may also be entering this developmental phase. As she graduates from college (and perhaps boomerangs back home) she is in the midst of this stage. She may remain in this stage for several more years.  It is not simply an extended adolescence, but a distinct time of less parental control and more independent exploration.

Consider the following five characteristics of this age and think about your student.  You may be surprised at how accurate the description is.

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