Communicating with Your Student

Help! My College Student Wants to Drop Out of College!

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As a parent of a college student, you may be taken completely by surprise when your student comes home to announce that they want to drop out of college.  Or it is possible that you have seen this coming for a few weeks or even months.  Either way, it may be difficult to believe or accept.  So much effort and emotional energy went into the choice of college and the admissions process, that it doesn’t seem possible that your student could want to quit now.  The reality is that, according to ACT (American College Testing) nearly 25% of students leave college before finishing their sophomore year.

Breathe!

So what should you, as a college parent, do if your student announces that they are ready to quit?  First of all, take a deep breath.  This was probably not an easy decision for your student and it was probably difficult for them to come to talk to you.  Your student will be watching carefully for your response.  This may be one of those opportunities in your student’s life when you can strengthen or weaken your communication and relationship with them.  If necessary, ask for time to absorb the news before you talk.  ”This is an important decision and it’s taking me by surprise.  Can you give me some time to think about this and can we talk tomorrow?”  Don’t say anything right now that you may regret later or that will close a door.

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Communicating With Your College Student: Are You Listening?

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When your child leaves home to head for college, you worry about losing contact with her.  If she will be living at college, and perhaps not returning home for several weeks or months, you worry.  However, it is possible that, with some effort on your part, your communication may become even more meaningful.

This post is the first in a series of five posts that may give you food for thought about how you communicate with your college student. We’re posting one of these articles each week over the next five weeks.  Some of our suggestions may be common sense reminders, and some may be new ideas for you.  Obviously, communication skills are interrelated, so consider all of these suggestions together.  This first post concerns how you listen to your student.  In future posts we’ll consider nonverbal communication and the signals that you send, how to check perceptions to make sure you understand what your student is really saying, how to ask helpful questions, and how to frame some of your messages so your student may be willing to listen.  We hope that thinking about how you listen and talk to your student may help you to keep all of your communication doors wide open.

Listening matters!

Listening may be one of the most important, and undervalued, communication skills that we use.  Unfortunately, many of us believe that listening is passive and that if we’re not talking, we’re not really communicating.  Listening well is difficult, and doing it well takes practice. Listening well will help you understand your student better and will also model listening skills for your student.  Hopefully, he’ll also learn how to listen to you. We’d like to offer eight suggestions that may help you listen more carefully to what your college student has to tell you.

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Need to Talk To Your College Student? Choose Your Time and Place Carefully

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We’ve emphasized in many of our articles the importance of good communication with your college student.  We think this is such an important topic that we’re planning a series of posts in the next few weeks with some communication suggestions.  In the meantime, thinking not only about how you communicate, but also when and where you communicate may be helpful — especially if your student may be headed home for a break.  You might enhance your chances of a good conversation — or doom it — simply by choosing your time and place carefully.  Of course, there’s no exact answer for everyone.  Knowing your student, and thinking about your family dynamic makes all of the difference.  But here’s some food for thought.

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Welcoming Your College Student Home for Break — What You Can Do To Prepare

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Your college student is coming home for their first real visit since heading off to college.  You’re excited — but also a bit nervous about what to expect.  You know that they have probably changed — increased independence and responsibility are goals of the college experience.  But you may not be sure how this increased independence will affect your relationship.  Your college student is probably nervous, too.  They can’t wait to come home to show off their new found independence, but they’re not sure how they will fit in with the family now.

The first step in a successful visit with your student may be simply anticipating that things will be different, and possibly awkward.  You will need to get to know some new aspects of your student.  You may need to negotiate some ways of behaving and some expectations.  As has so often been the case throughout this process, brushing up on your listening skills and your patience will go a long way.  Here are a few suggestions that may help to ease the experience for everyone.

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Welcoming Your College Student Home for Break — What To Expect

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As college parents we worry about our student’s transition when they head off to college.  We know that it will be a big adjustment and that our student will be facing challenges and undergoing changes.  Sometimes, however, we forget that there will also be a big adjustment and some challenges when our college student returns home again for their first real vacation.  Whether it is Thanksgiving break or winter break, the first longer visit home will be a time of readjustment and reacquaintance for everyone.

It will help to consider some of the things you might expect during this first visit.  In our next article, we’ll consider some specific things that you might do to help that first visit go more smoothly.

Your student is probably anxious to come home and settle in, but they may also be worried about what things will be like when they get home.  You are excited about having your student home, but you may also be nervous about what to anticipate.  Parents who expect that everything will return to the way things were before your student left for college may be caught off guard and may have difficulty adjusting.  Here are a few things to consider before your student comes home for their first visit.

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Helping Your College Student Avoid ”How Do I Tell My Parents?” Fears

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Things happen.  As college students work at their increasing independence and responsibility, as they learn that some of the choices that they are making are good choices and others are not, as they strive to find balance, as they struggle to accept consequences for their actions, things happen.  Some of these things are good things, affirming that your student is growing and maturing and making wise decisions.  Some of these things are not as positive, and some may have serious consequences.  Some students have poor or even failing grades, some face college judicial or even legal consequences, some face health issues, some face social problems, some face serious money issues,  and some simply feel that they’ve made all of the wrong choices at this point in their life.

Whatever may be happening for your college student, it may be magnified at the midpoint in a semester.  The reality of midterm grades may be a wake-up call.  The urgency of the remaining few weeks may hit.  The immediacy of a break or holiday at home with family may dawn.  The tensions are increasing as the semester progresses.

No matter what your college student may be experiencing or feeling right now, the second thing that many students worry about may be ”How will I tell my parents?”  As parents, we like to think that our college students can talk to us about whatever may be bothering them.  However, for many students, concern about family reactions to college difficulties may be adding to an already difficult time.  This may be especially true for families that are, or have been, close.  Our college students don’t want to disappoint us.  They don’t want to let us down.  They don’t want to fail at their new found independence.

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What Do I Do If My College Student Is Homesick?

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Of course, not all college students will get homesick when they go away to college.  Many students adjust well, settle in, and have a wonderful experience.  Some students may experience some homesickness, but their parents will never know about it.  It may last a few days or a few weeks, the student will adjust and move on.  But for some parents, the fear becomes reality.  Their college student is homesick, miserable, and perhaps asking to come home.  What is a parent to do?

Students may experience homesickness to varying degrees, although most probably have at least some of those feelings of longing for home.  It is helpful for parents, and students, to understand that a certain amount of homesickness is completely normal.  Students are dealing with unfamiliar situations, possible lack of routine and structure, loss of close friends, and readjustments of expectations.  Some factors may increase the likelihood that your child may experience some degree of homesickness: no previous experiences away from home, difficulty making transitions to new situations, roommate issues, leaving a boyfriend or girlfriend at home, possible concerns about family members at home, or academic difficulties.  One Dutch study, conducted in 2007, suggested that students with more involved parents tend to experience more homesickness; however, they may also have more effective coping strategies.

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Be Prepared For the ”Meltdown” Phone Call From Your College Freshman

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It may not be inevitable, but it is common and it is normal.  It’s two weeks into your college freshman’s first semester, (or three weeks, or one week, or five weeks) and you get the phone call.  It may be three o’clock in the afternoon, but more likely it is midnight.  Your student is miserable.  He hates school, he is overwhelmed academically, he has no friends, he hates the food, he’s ready to come home.  As a parent, you panic.  This was all a mistake, he should have gone somewhere else, or stayed home, or commuted to a local school.  You are ready to leave home immediately and go to school to collect him and bring him home.  At the very least, you are up half of the night worrying about him.

But wait, you are not alone!  Understanding that this phone call may be a normal part of the adjustment to college for many freshmen may help.  Being prepared for the situation, while hoping that it never arises, will help.  Here are some suggestions for what to do if you get that phone call from your miserable college freshman.

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Two Habits That Will Make Your College Student Stop Listening To You

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As a college parent, you experience a changing relationship with your college student once they head off to college.  During their growing years, you have functioned as caretaker, worrying and working to make sure that all has gone as well as possible in many areas of their life.  Once your student goes to college, you will have less contact with their everyday life.  This doesn’t mean that you will necessarily have less communication with them.  Conversations change from “Where are you going?”, “When will you be home?” and “You need to pick up your shoes,” to more interesting and potentially more meaningful topics.

Most of us value our conversations and discussions with our college students.  We want to know how their lives are unfolding, what they are thinking and feeling, and we want to share our thoughts with them.  Chances are that our students want the same thing – even if they don’t always admit it.  However, even with our best of intentions, there are two conversational habits which are what Rebecca Shafir in her book The Zen of Listening calls “listening stoppers”. We probably don’t even realize that we are doing these things.

Take some time to consider whether you might be guilty of either of these habits.

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Helping Your College Student Prepare To Study Abroad

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This is the second of a series of three posts about college students and studying abroad.  In the first post we looked at some of the reasons why a study abroad program might make sense for your college student.  In this post, we consider how to help your student prepare to go abroad, and in the final post we’ll look at what to do while he is away.

Now that your student has decided to study abroad and has chosen an appropriate program, the real preparation begins.  There is much to do to get ready for this new and exciting experience.  As the college parent, your role will be largely supportive, but your involvement will be crucial.  Working with your student to ensure the best experience possible can be rewarding for both of you.  Remember, though, that your student needs to be in charge of preparations.  This is good practice for the independence that he will need while he is away.

Here are some suggestions of ways in which you might be helpful.

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