Year: 2012

The Summer Before College: A Time for Conversations, Decisions, Questions and Skills

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It is the summer before your student heads off for freshman year of college.  The applications were done months ago, the long wait for acceptance is over, the final decision made, the deposit paid.  You know this is an important time, but beyond all of the shopping for extra-long sheets and storage containers and writing that tuition check, you feel there is something you should be doing, but you’re not sure what.  Your student is busy saying the long goodbye to high school friends, connecting with new friends on Facebook, and conspicuously not packing yet, but you’re at a loss.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. You’ve been focused for so long on this moment, and yet it’s not clear what you need to be doing.  Perhaps it’s not so much what you are doing as the importance of your job of talking to your student to help him make some important summer decisions.  There are a lot of topics to be covered, but hopefully, these are continuations of conversations you’ve already started.

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Helping Your College Student Feel in Control of Their College Experience

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We’ve written several posts about college parents as ”helicopter parents” and about college parents’ important role of coaching from the sidelines.  We still have an important job, but not the same role we had when our student was in high school.  We’ve also used the analogy of teaching our teenager to drive a car.  We need to get out of the driver’s seat and allow them to get behind the wheel.  It’s a disconcerting, and sometimes terrifying, proposition for many parents.

We think this is good advice for parents.  We need to assume a new role.  However, this only works if your student is ready to take control.  One of our tasks as parent is to help our student get ready for college. (Think of it as Driver’s Ed!) This means more than helping to pack the boxes and making trips to the home store for dorm furnishings.  College readiness requires academic readiness, but also ”life” readiness.  Your student needs to be ready to take control when the time comes.  You will feel better, and so will they.

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The Summer Before College: How Eight Questions Can Help Your Student Reflect — and Help You Know Your Student Better

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The summer before your student heads off to college is an interesting, exciting, and stressful time — both for your soon-to-be college student and for you.  It is a time of beginnings and endings, of leavings and goodbyes, of new adventures,  of things to do, people to see, decisions to be made, and time to be spent dreaming and reflecting.  It all adds up to a good bit of tension and stress.

For many college students and their families, the stress comes, in part, from the unknown — or from the imagined.  As parents, we wonder what our students are thinking and planning.  Students may wonder what lies ahead, but not be sure what kinds of things they need to be thinking about — or how to plan.  We’ve written an earlier post about students’ goals and action plans which may help give some students direction.

Sometimes it’s all about asking the right questions.  We’d like to suggest eight possible questions for parents to ask their college bound students over the course of the summer.  We have some additional, more practically oriented questions in earlier posts, but these questions are more reflective.  Of course, we don’t recommend that you sit your student down and hit him with a barrage of questions.  And most parents may not want or need to ask all of these questions.  But consider weaving some of these into your summer conversations as a way to help your student reflect on some key issues, think about how to be in control of his college experience, and as a vehicle for you to get to know your student in a new way.

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Twelve Reasons Why Your College Student May Want to Stay On Campus for the Summer

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You’ve been waiting anxiously for your college student’s semester to end so that he can return home for the summer.  It has been a long year, and although you know that his return home may come with some issues, you’re looking forward to spending more time with him.  But he calls, or writes, or shares during a visit home that he plans to stay at college for the summer.  Why, you wonder, would your student rather spend his summer away at college instead of returning home?

There are varying reasons why some students choose to stay at school over one summer — or several summers.  It may be important that you help your student explore her reasons to be sure that she is making a wise decision — and so that you will be able to understand her reasoning.

What to Say to Your College Student Who Is in Trouble, Dismissed, or on Probation

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We’ve written some earlier articles about what to do when your college student is on Academic Probation or is even Academically Dismissed from college.  These are disturbing or sometimes even devastating situations, and knowing what to do next is important.  But equally urgent, and sometimes even more important, may be considering what you say to your student if they find they are in one of these difficult situations.

Of course, knowing exactly what to say to your student has to do with who your student is, what your relationship with your student is, and why they are in this situation. Chances are, however, that you will struggle for the right thing to say, the right words.  You may be angry, disappointed, shocked, sad, or just plain overwhelmed.  Being honest with your student may be the simplest and best start.

Remember that your student may also be struggling with what to say to you.  They may have known this was coming, or it may have taken them by surprise.  They may have shared their fears or concerns with you earlier, or they may have been afraid to tell you they saw this coming.  Remembering that this is happening to all of you, as a family, may help everyone.  Taking time to let the news sink in before sitting down to discuss next steps may be helpful as well.

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Eight Campus Resources Your College Student Should Know

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Many students heading off to college are thrilled by the prospect of their new-found independence.  Although they may be nervous about heading away from home, they are excited about being on their own.  However, with this new independence comes the pressure to succeed on their own as well.  One important message that parents can give their student heading off to campus is the understanding that asking for help from appropriate sources does not mean that the student is no longer independent, and it does not mean failure.

Many college students hesitate or delay asking for help for many different reasons.  Some may feel the need to prove themselves — either to themselves or to family and friends.  Some students feel that needing help admits failure.  Some do not recognize that they need help.  Some do not know how to advocate for themselves or to go about asking for the help that they need.  Still others, however, may not be aware of the all of the help and support that is usually available on campus.

As college parents, you can help.  One of the first things that parents can do is to help students recognize when they need help.  This may mean asking the right questions and probing if you sense that something might be wrong.  The second thing parents must do, however, is to help students understand that, while parents are important for emotional support, they may not be the best source of specific help for college issues.   Your job, as a college parent, may simply be (although it is often never simple) to direct your student to find the appropriate sources of help on campus.

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Book Review: The Naked Roommate: For Parents Only

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Editor’s note: This book was formerly titled The Happiest Kid on Campus. This review has been updated (3/20) with the new title.

From time to time, we like to review some of the books available for parents of college students.  There is a wealth of literature available to help parents cope with the transition to college and the changes that occur throughout the college years.  We’ve created lists of recommended reading, and there is something for everyone.  Check out our Resources and Tools page for suggestions.

The Naked Roommate: For Parents Only: A Parent’s Guide to the New College Experience is 600 pages chock full of useful information for parents about to send their student off to college.  Don’t be fooled by the author’s lighthearted tone (fun to read).  Parents will find a wealth of wisdom contained in this book that will help you and your student prepare for what is about to come.  The book is chatty and entertaining — and has a practical and useful index to help you in those college ”emergencies.”

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It’s Not Too Late for Your Student to Apply to College

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May 1st has come and gone.  Admissions letters have been received — to cheers or disappointment, financial aid offers have been weighed, decisions have been faced, deposits have been made.  For many students, the college admissions process is over.  It’s time now to transition from being a college applicant to being a college freshman.  It’s time to settle in for the ride.

But what if your student isn’t ready to settle in?  What if they’ve just discovered a new college that they hadn’t considered before?  What if last fall, when everyone else was applying to college, your student didn’t think they wanted to go, but now they’re finally ready for the college experience?  Is it too late?  Is it all over until next year?

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The College Decision Dilemma

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The letters have arrived.  Some of the news may not be what was hoped for.  Hopefully, most of the news was good.  Your student has been accepted — perhaps to multiple schools.  As stressful as the wait may have been, those letters arrive with a new kind of stress. Your student now has options.  The decision is now in your student’s hands.  The ball is back in their court.  They must now decide which offer to accept.

Recent research on both the relationship between students and their parents and on communication between students and their parents tells us that that in the vast majority of families, parents will help students make this important decision.  Your student wants to hear your opinion and values your input.  However, it is important to remember that as overwhelming as it may seem, this must be your student’s decision.  They will need to feel good about this decision, live with this decision, and make the college experience work.  It is your job to be a helpful passenger on this journey, but not a back-seat driver.

So what can you do to help your student as they face this decision dilemma?  This may be an ideal time to begin to practice some of the good communication skills that you and your student will need throughout the college years.  Here are a few suggestions:

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Happy Anniversary! College Parent Central Turns Three!

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College Parent Central has just turned three!  College Parent Central launched on April 1, 2009 — somehow April Fool’s Day seemed appropriate for a venture whose future was unknown.  Three years later, we continue to believe more firmly than ever that college parents are an important part of student success.

After three years of writing about college parenting, talking to college parents, working with college students, and working and speaking with professional colleagues, we are humbled by how much there is to know, but we feel even more strongly that we have a place in helping parents.  We are grateful to those people who have shared their stories and wisdom and helped us as we continue to reach out to parents who find our information helpful.

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